God's not about sabotage. HE doesn't set you up with something that makes your world turn and then take it away and make you feel like your world has stopped. God doesn't work like that. Some things take work, especially when they seem to come so easily. We just have to figure out which things are God-sent and which are the devil's minions at work. What's scary about that is that while you're in the process of figuring out if this is God's work, God's plan, you have to step out of your comfort zone and reach into a place that makes you unsteady. Nothing worth having comes without work and work means compromising and letting go of some things that have instinctively made you YOU. It's hard; God knows it's hard and it takes you to places you promised not to go. It brings you to the edge of insanity and you have to decide whether to jump or fall back.
What I can tell you is that if you decide to give up, be prepared to deal with those blood coursing feelings that come with it. We call them regret and man, those suckers are no joke. They strip you and leave you exposed to yourself and we all know we can't hide from ourselves. I've tried. Haven't worked yet.
I'm going to face myself and come to terms with the fact that maybe I'm the saboteur. Maybe I'm allowing my fear to feed on my memories and keep them constantly raw, never allowing myself the opportunity to make new, more beautiful ones.
I try; I swear I do but it's obvious that I need some work and I'm so open to receiving that help, making that effort to allow all this love I have inside me to warm instead of cool. Someone deserves all this love and I deserve someone who will love me with playful warmth. This is not Mission Impossible so I'm going to leave the detonators behind, get my harness on and jump.
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